To Love Again
by HeresThePlaceWhereILoveYou
Summary: Mary Crawley it settled on only loving Matthew Crawley till the day she dies. Then there's Tom Branson who comes to her aid and makes her come alive again. She is left rethinking her feelings towards Tom. But Mary is firm on only loving Matthew. This story challenges the idea of one soul mate, and of one love per life time. (this summary actually does suck)
1. In mourning

**Hello. While I've written at least 15 fanfics, I know I'm not well known around the Downton community, as I'll put it. This is something I've never tried before. To say it's easy would be a lie because I'm such a believer in one true love and I loved Matthew Crawley like he was real and was mine. I admired Sybil like a hero. I admit to not wanting Mary to move on or I'd stop watching the show, and I never wanted to be one of those "fans". True love is something I seek desperately and want to see it remain in people. Still this possibility came into my head and I decided to try it even though I'm not completely ok with this indulgence. That's what writers do though. And even though Matthew Crawley isn't real, he represents the kind of man I want to love and be with one day, which is why I care so much for him. But now I'll try something new in hoping to explain to myself there can be more than one true love, you just love them in different ways. I want to be clear this isn't Mary "moving on" because that sounds as if a person gets over their love for someone. She will love Matthew till the last breath leaves **_**her **_**body, but she will love Tom in a different way. A way that allows them the deserved happiness but remembers the ache of another love, mended with this new one I for one, shall never forget Matthew or Sybil. Let this story bring hope back into the world that people can love more than once, but they never forget all they loved. (Not specifically following all events in season 4, I'm American so I haven't seen all of them yet) Enjoy.**

* * *

_You're my back bone, you're my cornerstone, You're my crutch when my legs stop moving, You're my headstart, you're my rugged heart, You're the pulse that I've always needed_

* * *

She sat in the corner chair with her George, not even asking where Nanny West was. She didn't care. George pulled at her sleeve but she simply held him closer and closed her eyes, imagining a pair of blue ones with an honest boyish grin accompanying.

"Am I interrupting?" asked a voice. She opened her eyes and glanced at Tom before shaking her head. "I just heard the nanny was sacked. Do you know why?"

"No but I'm sure we will get the chance to ask mama later," replied Mary as she glanced out the window again. Suddenly a shifting noise was heard and Sybbie's head popped up and she cried,

"Papa! Mammy!" Tom smiled at his daughter but his worry increased at his daughter's name for Mary. While she didn't address her as mama, she didn't call her Auntie Mary, like how she referred to Edith as auntie. They smiled at her and Tom reached to pick her up.

"How was your day?" asked Mary. Tom shrugged,

"Your father and I disagreed again, it's becoming a routine." Mary's mouth curved up in a hint of a smile as she said,

"I'm sure you can handle him Tom."

"Mammy!" shouted Sybbie as she reached her hands out towards Mary.

"My dearest how are you?" asked Mary. Still the girl reached her hands out and Tom said,

"I'll take George." He held the child and smiled as he saw Matthew in him. He watched as Mary lifted Sybbie up and cooed at the girl. Then Sybbie pulled out and grabbed her dollhouse and pulled out the dolls.

"This is papa," she said as she held out the man doll. "And this is mammy!" she said as she held out the woman. "Mammy love papa?" Sybbie asked, her brown eyes staring into Mary's. Mary froze as she wondered what to say. Sybbie asked again with urgency, "Mammy love papa?"

"Yes I love your papa," answered Mary finally, and she could feel Tom's eyes on her. Sybbie grinned and turned back towards the dollhouse. Tom tightened his grip on George as the words floated through his mind over and over. _Yes I love your papa. Yes I love your papa._ He smiled as George babbled into his ear. Mary stood and smiled at her baby and kissed his forehead, acting like she didn't hear tom suck in his breath.

Later they were all sitting after dinner and Mary turned to Cora and asked, "Why was the nanny fired?" A chorus of "yes why" filled the room.

"I don't know if I should say, it was highly inappropriate and would only anger," said Cora.

"Tom and I have a right to know."

"Well… I overheard her at night calling Sybbie a filthy half-breed and—"

"What?" screamed Mary as she jumped up. Mary felt the hatred course through her as she pictured the nanny saying that.

"Mary sit, it's unlady like to yell."

"Mama I do not care at the moment. How dare she insult my god daughter! How dare she think she has the right!"

"Mary, _behave_," hissed Cora, pointing to the couch.

Tom sat in shock, wondering how many people thought of his child as a half-breed, nonetheless the nanny. He focused and heard Cora say, "Mary behave like a lady. One does no yell over what is done. She is gone, let's not worry anymore on the subject." Tom turned to see Mary standing, fists clenched, and her face flushed to a pretty pink.

"But Mama!"

"Don't worry darling, I had a firm talk with Nanny West," said Cora spitting the nanny's name out harshly. There was no more said on the conversation, although Tom could see Mary replaying the situation in her head, much like he was.

As they retired for the night, Tom turned to Mary and said, "It means a lot, you stickin' up for Sybbie."

"She's family, she is practically a daughter so how could I not?"

"It's nice to know you care. That you have changed your tune about us, about me."

"Oh Tom, Sybil was always the brave one. I never hated you, it was the unknown that you brought with you that upset me. Now though, of course I care about you both. If I were to lose you also, well I do not know what would become of me," she paused realizing what she said. "I just meant... you have helped a great deal Tom. I think I will bid good night now."

"Goodnight Mary," he whispered.

It was breakfast when he saw her again. He was sitting across from Edith and next to Lord Grantham. She appeared suddenly, in dark red, her eyes weary.

"My dear, good morning!"

"Good morning Papa, Edith, Tom," she replied. She sat next to her sister and sipped water. The four of them sat in silence till Edith announced,

"I'm going to Ripon but I won't be gone terribly long."

"I will spend time with the children. Perhaps a picnic? Would you care to join us, Mary?" asked Tom.

"I don't know if that's a good idea," she replied.

"You should spend time with George," added her father. Mary's lips pressed into a thin line as she contemplated the idea. She would have to wear a lighter purple dress, so she did not stand out like an eye sore, but the idea wasn't appealing.

"Yes, alright you have me. I will come," she said with her lips curling up into a small half smile, half grimace.

"Good. Then whenever you return we have just a bit of business to talk about," said Lord Grantham to Tom.

"I'll go up and ring for Anna then," said Mary as she stood up.

"My dear you haven't had a thing to eat!" said Lord Grantham.

"Well doesn't one eat while on a picnic? I shan't starve," she said as she left.

"If everyone's leaving then I suppose I will to. Please tell Mama where I've gone. I'll be back sooner than later," said Edith bidding goodbye.

"Carson have Ms. Pattmore prepare a small picnic basket for them, "said Robert.

"That's not necessary—"

"No excuses, I won't have my grandchildren eating mush," said Robert as he folded the newspaper and left as well. Tom sighed and stood up, ready to fetch the babies.

* * *

"I will wear the mild purple dress today Anna. After all isn't it rather sunny out?"

"Yes, m'lady the sun is very bright."

"Well then it's settled, I'll have to wear that purple dress, even if it's inappropriate it will only be for an hour or so," said Mary as she let Anna assist her.

"M'lady I don't think Mr. Crawley would mind," said Anna cautiously.

"It is disrespectful to Mr. Crawley! I must go through, I'm afraid Mr. Branson thinks my parenting skills poor," said Mary as her eyebrows slipped into a frown.

"I think Mr. Branson admires you M'lady," said Anna as she took the red dress and laid it on the bed.

"That will be all Anna," said Mary as she patted her hair.

"May I say one more thing M'lady?" asked Anna. Mary nodded and she said, "I think the only way you could disrespect Mr. Crawley is if you don't mother his son."

"Oh Anna, I feel like a walking corpse without him. I feel so angry at him as well which is completely wrong. I was there for him when his spine was injured. He said I was his stick. Well he was mine, and now where is he? Without him I am nothing! I am reminded of him every time I look at George. Then I am reminded of what a terrible mother I am being," said Mary as her eyes started to tear.

"M'lady it is a gift that Mr. Crawley lives on in Master George! He is to remind you that you are not alone."

"I know that soon my parents will parade young men around her for me to choose, but I chose Matthew. I will chose him till I die, so what am I to do but mourn him?"

"Mourn him then M'lady. But do not forget to raise Mr. Crawley's son also," said Anna.

Mary headed down the stairs slowly. She came back to herself when she heard shouts of, "Mammy! Mammy!" Mary put on a smile as she scooped Sybbie up into her arms and heard George's cries from Tom's arms.

"Sometimes, "whispered Mary to Tom, "I have no idea how you do it."

**Tell me if this is worth continuing. I might just for my pleasure, but I'd love a review. The song in italics was **_**Gone, Gone, Gone**_** by Philip Philips. There will be a song quote each chapter so look forward to that, and I will credit them each time. Know that NOTHING from this story is mine, but belongs to Julian Fellows. I OWN NOTHING…sadly. **


	2. For Sybil

**I'm back with a second chapter! First, thanks for the reviews from the first chapter letting me know you want this to continue. I love the kind positive feedback. I'm updating today, at this time because I'm off school but I warn you that while it won't be terribly inconsistent within weeks and weeks of each update, I won't have a specific day or time when I update. I'll try my best to update each week and if I'm lucky twice a week but my schedule is anything but permanent. Sorry about that. Next, I mentioned at the end each chapter will have song lyrics before the chapter starts. They are not all from the genre and vary greatly which makes it better. If you read them you'll know that it isn't careless lyrics, they have meaning and I've carefully selected them from a list of songs. At the end of this story (whenever that is, because I have no idea where this will take me) I will post the list of all the songs I use, I warn you not all are happy, but they are deep. So again enjoy and please review because I love that. Also inconsistent with season 4 because I'm American and haven't seen all the episodes yet! Also any italics after the line break that separates the lyrics means that it's a flashback! Remember I own nothing of Downton Abbey, I am using a quote from them in this chapter. All belongs to Julian Fellows. Now finally you get to read!**

_Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes, Tell myself it's time now, gotta let go, But moving on from him is impossible, When I still see it all in my head, Burning red!_

_Her hand twirled a strand of her hair as she smiled at him. She smiled even more as she saw his mouth open to say one last thing._

"_I have to take one thing for granted, that I will love you until the last breath leaves my body."_

"_Oh my darling," she whispered in reply. _

Mary Crawley blinked several times as she remembered her current setting. She stood right by the front door as the picnic basket was handed to Tom.

"We're ready now Mary," said Tom as Carson went to open the doors. Her eyes took in the bright surroundings and she smiled as she watched Sybbie run ahead to look at the flowers.

"It _is_ perfect weather for a picnic," said Mary as her gaze settled back on Tom.

"Yes, it is a great time to clear one's head," said Tom nodding.

"If one's head needs to be cleared," said Mary walking steadily beside him.

"And does yours? Does your head need to be cleared Mary?"

"The only thing that fills my head these days is Matthew, and I will never stop thinking about him. So no it does not," she answered firmly. Tom looked as if he wanted to say something but he kept his mouth shut and focused on the road ahead of them.

"Does that spot look alright?" asked Mary pointing to a giant tree.

"I suppose although the house is still in sight."

"That's good if something should happen, we mustn't wander off into the forest on foot." Tom nodded and laid the blanket over. As he was doing so, Sybbie decided it was a good idea to attack her father. When Tom grabbed her and pulled her into a hug, Sybbie burst into a fit of laughter.

"Georgie, Mammy come play!" said Sybbie as she jumped up and down.

"Later darling, I promise," Mary replied. She leaned against the tree, feeling the bark scrape against her dress. She pulled George out of his pram and smiled as she looked at him. Her fingers pressed down the blond hairs that stood up and smiled at her son. "I know some children are born as blonds and then become brunettes but I'm quite sure he'll stay one," said Mary to no one in particular.

"It wouldn't be so bad if he inherited your hair," said Tom.

"No it wouldn't but the blond locks he most definitely got from Matthew. It does run in my family though, Edith always stood out like a seed someone forgot to pluck," she replied as she pictured her family years ago lined up. Her Mama and Papa with their dark hair, and Mary and Sybil who inherited it. Then Edith who stood out with hair the color of the sun.

"You shouldn't be so mean to her."

"Funny, that's what everyone says. Sybil always hated when we fought. Edith and I just aren't meant to be compatible. We tried to work on it many times, to avoid Mama and Papa's scolding and Sybil used to cry when we fought. This was years ago of course because the things we would fight over would be dresses and dolls," said Mary as she looked out towards the big house.

"I can imagine it," said Tom with a small chuckle.

"Sybil was the only one who truly thought Edith and I could get along. On her birthdays, that's when Edith and I were at our best. For her."

"I want food, papa," said Sybbie tugging on Tom's sleeve.

"Then food you will get princess!" Tom replied. As they ate Mary could not help but think of how she hadn't mentioned some of those things to Matthew. She had never gotten to tell him how on the day of Sybil's birthday Edith and her would agree to not argue in front of Sybil at all, they would even shake on it. She had never told him how she did know how to get along on Sybil's birthdays. How she was nice to Edith then, just like he asked her to be. Mary felt the heaviness in her stomach and she knew she needed to be back in her room.

"Are you alright Mary?" asked Tom, his eyes filled with concern. Mary saw Sybbie off in the distance collecting flowers and George had fallen asleep.

"No it's not. I-I can't forget him no matter how hard I try. I don't think I'll ever move on like people expect me to," she said.

"No one is asking you to move on from him," said Tom.

"They will though. That is a thought I cannot bear," said Mary clutching her the blanket.

The walk back to the house was completely silent. The children was tired, and Mary was no longer in the mood. As they walked through the doors they came face to face with Lord Grantham who smiled at his two grandchildren.

"Ah Tom, we have that business to discuss," said Robert.

"Of course, should we go into the library?"

"That will be fine, this won't take long."

"Do you want to come Mary?" asked Tom, turning to her. Mary paused on her way up the stairs. True, she had become more and more involved with Downton's plans, but she had been taking things slowly.

"I—"

"You seem busy my dear, don't let us keep you," said Lord Grantham to his daughter.

"No, Papa I think I'll join you as well. Is that alright with you?" she asked. Lord Grantham scowled for a moment before nodding in confirmation.

"Carson bring the children to Lady Grantham, I'm sure she would like to spend time with them or at least be in the same room," said Robert. Carson nodded and Lord Grantham led the way to the library.

It took longer than Lord Grantham thought it would needless to say. They were all standing up when Edith came in saying, "Carson said you were all in here."

"Did you enjoy your time in Ripon?"

"Yes, but I have just gotten off the phone. Papa, may Mr. Gregson come for dinner tomorrow night?"

"We just had him here a few weeks ago, and he wants to come again?" said Robert with frustration in his voice.

"Well he will be in town for business and—"

"How convenient," said Mary snidely. Edith glowered at her sister, her face turning pink.

"Why does no one like him? Papa, you have not given him a proper chance, you say he's tolerable but if it's just the family and him you may know him better!" said Edith pleadingly.

"Why? So you can hint how much you want Mr. Gregson to be part of the family?" sneered Mary.

"Stop it!" shouted Edith as she glared at her sister. "You have never wanted me to be happy! Listen Mary, just because you're husband is dead does not mean the rest of us cannot love someone! Matthew is _gone_ and the rest of us have accepted that. It's time you stop shooting down every man who comes to this home, especially the ones that are my guests! If you gave him a chance you would know how wonderful he is but you are too focused on a man who is not here! We all loved Matthew but it's time to move on!" Edith seemed to rethink her words as her face cooled down, and hesitation filled her eyes. Lord Grantham and Tom stood in shock.

"How dare you," started Mary coldly, "how dare you say those things about Matthew. He was my husband and you never knew him the way that I did. He did not know me as long as we have known each other but he loved me more than you ever will! How am I supposed to move on from a man who was my world? I know more than anyone that my darling Matthew will never return. I know he is dead!" Mary started to choke up and she could feel her vision blur.

"I-I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry Mary," whispered Edith as she stepped closer to her sister. Mary started crying and she let her younger sister pull her into an embrace. "I should not have said any of that." Mary sniffed and looked at her shoes.

"Maybe we should extend our deal?" she whispered looking at Edith. Edith's eyes widened as she remembered from years ago.

"_This way we only have to be nice to each other once a year. On Sybil's birthday. You know how it makes her cry when we argue," said Mary pulling at the ribbon on her dress. She watched Edith scrunch up her nose as she thought._

"_I suppose but we say it was both our idea."_

"_Why tell anyone at all? It will be a secret gift to Sybil each year."_

"_And if she finds out?"_

"_Then she will try to convince us it's her birthday every day I suppose." _

"_Let's shake on it. We're doing this for Sybil."_

"_What other reason would there be?" asked Mary, haughtily. Still she stuck out her small hand and Edith grasped it. "To Sybil." _

"To Sybil," whispered Edith so only Mary could hear. She hugged her sister tighter before saying,

"I think I'll go up and change now, it will take a while." Mary walked out of the library, leaning against the staircase she sighed.

"Are you sure you're alright?" asked Tom as he walked to her.

"Edith just had a moment of anger, it was nothing."

"After all the heavy conversations today you must be tired," said Tom.

"I am. Still, I must brave the storm," she said as she pursed her lips.

"You're one of the strongest people I know Mary," Tom said.

"Perhaps tomorrow we may do something fun. Heaven knows we will end up rescuing Rose from some place or another," Mary started up the stairs, then paused, saying, "Tom as I said Sybil was the brave one. You are equally as brave though, Tom Branson. I'll check on the children while I am up there. I think Edith and I will quit our arguing…for Sybbie." Tom grinned at her and said,

"If that's the reason you're going with." Mary for the first time in weeks smiled and wondered why Tom always seemed to be the reason.

**If you're hoping for some serious romance I'm taking it slow because this is about mending broken hearts and seeing as they are both practically in mourning every second, it will take time. Don't worry though because things will spice up later. I hope I have time to update later this week, if not I'm sorry. **

**The song was Red by Taylor swift.**


	3. Matthew's Mary

**Hello. Don't worry I have not forgotten about this story! I was sick and then had to catch up on all the stuff I missed at school. I just finished season four here in America. It was well done as always, but the presence of Mathew, or lack of, is still overwhelming to me. What did you guys think? Remember this will sort of follow the serious, but slightly AU. I own nothing because if I did I wouldn't be sitting here writing it, I'd be making it happen. Here is the third chapter. And belated Valentine's Day!**

* * *

_Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it  
I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it_

* * *

Despite having a laugh with Tom the night before, Mary's bitter attitude had somewhat returned. She'd awoken with a smile but the sight of the empty space beside her still made her smile falter and her heart sink.

"Good Morning my lady," said Anna as she walked in.

"Good Morning Anna. Could you have breakfast sent up?" asked Mary as she patted her braid.

"Did you not want to eat with Mr. Branson and his lordship m'lady? I am sure they would like to see you."

Mary looked out the window and could almost hear Matthew's voice saying,

"_Go join Tom and your father. Heaven knows you make the conversation lighter by just sitting there." _

"I suppose I will go down Anna."

* * *

Breakfast had gone by faster than Mary had anticipated and so had lunch. Half the day had wasted away, so she headed to the library for some light reading. Tom was off to do some work duties and Mary hadn't felt entitled to accompany him. She pursed her lips in frustration at not being able to find a good book. She scanned the titles and recognized some of the books Matthew had read and highly recommended to her. Still the thought of her fingers flipping through the same pages he at one time had glossed through didn't comfort her completely. The tears still came as she thought of him.

"It's a process," she muttered to herself as she grabbed a random book and headed to the nearby chair. Mary situated herself and slipped into the fairytale world. She liked fairytales, they had happy endings, however unrealistic they were. She was just starting to get interested when the door opened.

"I hope I'm not too early Lady Mary," said the new nanny as she held little Sybbie's hand and pushed George in his pram.

"It is fine nanny, after all you're already down here. My son might be the thing to cheer me up," said Mary with a hint of doubt in her voice.

"Where should I take Lady Sybbie?" asked nanny.

"Well Mr. Branson is currently out—I could take her though. Some quality time with my son and god-daughter," said Mary decisively. "I'll ring later on." She watched as the nanny left and smiled hesitantly at the children. She did not remember the last time she had been alone with the children, and never in a room that wasn't the nursery. For a brief moment Mary contemplated ringing for someone to find her mother, or if it came down to it, Edith. Although in Mary's opinion Edith was the least maternal woman on Earth.

"No, I can do this," she said, jutting her chin out. "How are you Sybbie?"

"Good Mammy," replied the girl before staring up at Mary with her big blue eyes.

"And what is that you're holding?" asked Mary as she pointed to a doll in the small girl's hand.

"My d-doll," Sybil answered.

"She's very pretty. What is she called?" Mary watched with slight amusement as the girl's mouth parted, she looked around and smiled saying,

"Georgie!" Mary now had a wide smile on her face as she said,

"But that is a boy's name! How about we call her Georgiana?"

"Georyana!" cried Sybil. Mary smiled before turning to her son in his pram. His short blond locks were poking out, his bright blue eyes alert as always.

"How are you my prince?" she whispered to him. The baby gurgled slightly as he stared at his mother. Mary, with her hands shaking ever so slightly, picked him up and brought him to her. The only thought going through her mind was he was so purely _Matthew_. Sure, he had that classic Crawley nose that Mary and her sisters inherited, but other than that he was all her husband. The thought frightened her, but even more made her warm inside and happy. A gift, from Matthew. Was that not how Tom told her to think of it?

"Georgie and I are best fr-fr-friends," announced Sybbie, breaking the silence. Mary could not tell you exactly what she did with the two children for almost an hour, but it was just the three of them. She did not ring for nanny.

No one was expecting to walk in and find George asleep in his pram with Mary's hand clutching the handle, and Sybbie sleeping against her aunt in the chair. But that was exactly how Lord and Lady Grantham, Edith, and Tom found them when everyone had been questioning, "Where's Mary and the children?" It was a sight that would have shamed the Lady Mary of five years ago, but this was a different Mary. One that had lost her beloved youngest sister and her darling husband, one that now understood how damn short life truly was. She'd wept over how short life truly was for some.

"Oh my dear," whispered Cora as the four had entered the room.

"Shall we wake her so she can change?" suggested Edith. Cora nodded and headed towards her eldest daughter with a small smile on her face.

"Mary," she whispered as she tapped on her daughter's shoulder. Mary opened her eyes and blinked, before sighing and saying,

"Oh Mama it's you."

"Mary you should change for dinner. I'll ring for nanny." Mary gasped as she saw Sybbie against her. Cora pulled the sleeping girl away and Mary released her grip on George's pram.

"What on Earth were you doing with them that wore you out so?" asked Robert.

"I don't know. Getting to know them I suppose, like I should have a long time ago. Getting to know my husband's child and my sister's child."

"And do you know them better now?" asked Tom Branson.

"Not as well as I should, but that will come with time. I do know however that George is the strongest baby boy I have ever known. Sybbie is just like her mother. When we were children and we'd be in the garden, we all loved the flowers, but Sybil would not pick them because she didn't want the flowers to hurt," said Mary with a fond smile.

"Well my dear it's time you go up and change," said Robert extending his hand to help Mary up.

Mary walked up the stairs slowly, processing the fact she had fallen asleep with the children in the library. Things like that did not happen at Downton Abbey. She walked up to her room and rang for Anna, who soon appeared.

"How was your day m'lady?"

"Very nice, actually," then Mary paused.

_She had been in a conversation with Matthew where they didn't agree. "I should think all of my time would be taken up if I did everything for the baby."_

"_So you plan on doing what exactly, my darling?" _

"_I will see him—"_

"_Or her."_

"_Him every day and spend time with him, after all he will be our son. I just know we need a nanny for some things."_

"_I am quite alright and I had no nanny," said Matthew._

"_It won't be any trouble, there is already a nanny here, for Sybbie. So you see even Tom agrees a nanny is necessary!"_

"_That is because he is raising her alone, he has no wife to fall back on. You will always be here for me, and hand to God I will always be here for you."_

"_This conversation is not over just because granny is coming for dinner."_

"_Yes, but we can continue it later. I love you Mary." _

"_I love you too my darling Matthew."_

"But you are not here!" said Mary as she looked in the mirror.

"Are you alright m'lady?"

"Oh Anna," whispered Mary, then she collapsed onto her bureau, sobs raking through her body. Anna rushed over trying to stop the tears, but she couldn't. Mary kept saying his names in between sobs. She started to cry so much she was gasping for air, for anything. Anna rushed out of the room and the first person she saw was Tom.

"Mr. Branson come quickly!"

"Anna you know that you may call me—"

"Please Mr. Branson, it's Lady Mary and I cannot stop her crying!" said Anna pleadingly. Tom's eyes widened and he hurriedly followed Anna to Mary's room. He paused for a brief moment, realizing where he was about to step, but pushed through. He saw Mary, her head down, in her shimmery black evening dress with only one glove on.

"Mary! _Mary!_" he said as she shook her shoulders slightly. She looked up at him with red, puffy eyes. He turned to the door and asked, "Anna could you leave us for a moment?" Anna nodded and left, shutting the door.

"What are you doing here?" whispered Mary as she slowly turned, tears still slowly falling.

"I am here because Anna came frantically calling, saying you burst into tears and would not stop." Mary turned her head away. Tom followed her gaze to a small stuffed dog, of which he did not know the significance. "Why were you so upset?"

"Is it not obvious? This moment, this breakthrough of mine as I'm sure you are all thinking of it as, it was wonderful. I spent time with Sybbie and George and I loved it. I was happy, but I should not have been. He was not there with me. Then I remembered that's what he always wanted for us, for me. To not have a nanny and spend time together. Yet here I am, without him! Without Matthew! I feel as though I should not bask in this happiness, and I just wish I could return to the way I was. Not mourning Mary, not cold Mary, but Matthew's Mary."

"I think you are returning to the way you were. You proved that by spending time with our children. Just enjoy that feeling Mary, because I also know the feeling of how quick it can go away. So just enjoy it."

"Oh thank you, Tom," she replied. Then Mary stood up and hesitantly hugged him. He was shocked at first, arms by his side, then slowly he slipped them around her petite frame. They stood there in her room, clinging for the happiness they knew they could feel again. Soon.

**Oh god was that good? I honestly have no idea, but please review. I am so sorry for leaving everyone hanging, that was uncool. Hopefully I'll be able to update, next Tuesday? **

**The song was: **

**All Too Well by Taylor Swift**


	4. Tom's memories

**Hello everyone. Happy Mardi Gras to everyone! I was hoping in my French class we would celebrate with a party, instead we celebrated with a test. I'm trying to stay on top of updating regularly and spring break is coming up which will give me more time, so yay. I'm glad to hear so many of you are enjoying this story and also that you think it's moving at the right pace. I don't want it to feel like it takes them 5 years to finally kiss but I also don't want it to be them making out within 5 seconds either, if you get what I mean. I'm just curious how many of you have heard these songs, or listened to them after you read this? It'd be great if you'd answer just for my selfish benefit. I do make sure to credit the singer at the very end each time. Speaking of credit, I own nothing of Downton Abbey and I unfortunately never will. All of this is Julian Fellow's unless I make up a character, but I have not yet. So enjoy! And also, sometimes these will go back and forth from Tom to Mary's view point (not first person) but it should be clear.**

_I took a walk to clear my head, this is where the walking lead, Can't believe you're really gone, don't feel like going home_

In the last span of months, ranging more than a year, Tom had learned a lot about loss. In his years before he had never been accustomed to the feeling of grief accept when his dog died when he was five, and his grandmother when he was 20. In the two years he'd witnessed his wife die, and then his closest friend. He'd gone through the stages of grief, only to cycle back and he'd seen the Crawley family do that too. He'd remembered the conversations only days after his wife had died.

"_I can only imagine what you must be feeling right now," said Edith Crawley as she sat across from him, dressed in a somber black dress with matching gloves and a hat. Tom grimaced at her in reply. "But it's important for us to try. You've lost your love, mama and papa have lost their youngest daughter, and I have lost my little sister." _

_He raised his head to meet her eyes, "I know it must be hard for your parents, as well as yourself and Lady Mary."_

"_It is," Edith paused and looked away. She turned back with a hardened look in her eye, "I'm sure it isn't for Mary though. I try to bring us together as sisters through this time and she declines. I'm quite convinced she has done away with her heart." Tom's eyebrows rose together as he processed Edith's words. All he had ever heard about Mary and Edith Crawley was downstairs gossip and from Sybil. From Sybil he had heard only the best praise for her older sisters, how they all picnicked and played with dolls. How they celebrated together at balls. Of course he'd also heard from O'Brien years ago that Lady Grantham was getting fed up with Mary and Edith's childish games and mean spirit. _

"_I'm sure Lady Mary misses Sybil just as much as we do," he replied. He knew Sybil would want her sisters to get along, she always had but to no avail. _

"_I suppose," answered Edith, doubt evident in her voice. _

"_If you'll excuse me, I think I am going to go for a walk."_

"_Would you like me to go with you?" asked Edith with eagerness. Tom smiled as politely as he could and shook his head. He was walking towards the front door when he heard soft but strangled sobs. His mind went on alert and he glanced around before finding the source. Her black gloved hands were covering her pale face and she leaned against a wall. For a minute, Tom Branson froze. He had never seen the great Lady Mary Crawley do anything but make polite small talk and laugh only for Matthew. _

"_Lady Mary?" he asked hesitantly. He watched as her head jerked up. Her slightly red eyes met his and she gave him a watery smile. _

"_Tom," she answered and nodded in acknowledgement. _

"_Are you alright?" he asked as he walked towards her. _

"_I'm probably faring better then you, so there is no need for me to complain." _

"_You're thinking about her aren't you?" he asked, then hastily added, "Lady Mary." _

_She waved her hand down in admonishment and said, "There's no need. We are family Tom Branson, and now more than ever." He watched as she pulled off her glove, revealing a small slender hand. She wiped the remaining small tears away and let the black glove conceal her hand once more. She opened her mouth to say something else when they both heard,_

"_Mary, darling there you are!" She had a new look in her eye and said,_

"_Don't tell Matthew, there's no need because then he'll just worry." Tom wordlessly nodded and watched Matthew approach. _

"_Matthew," said Tom nodding towards the other man. Matthew's eyes widened slightly in surprise, his eyes had only been on Mary. Still he turned to the Irish man and asked,_

"_Are you doing alright today?" _

"_Yes actually, you're wife here is doing a good job of keeping me company. I'm going on a walk, but I'll be back in time for dinner," he replied to the two. He turned and when they thought he turned enough, Matthew grasped Mary's hand. All Tom could do was grimace and bite his lip to stop the tears for his Sybil._

It had been a while since he thought of that. He realized now it was just a glimpse of the Mary everyone talked about now. In his opinion, she had been doing better of late, she was _laughing _again. Tom knew it was only a matter of time before Mary became more positive and spirited again.

"How are you today Tom?" asked Lord Grantham, interrupting all thoughts.

"Very good Robert, thank you," he replied. Tom watched as Lord Grantham settled on the couch with a newspaper and Isis at his feet. The relationship of Lord Grantham and himself was complicated. In the beginning they spoke but a mere four words to each other, but now he was the estate manager. That was partly thanks to Cora and Matthew. Of course it had been perfectly clear how Matthew was seen in Robert's eyes and Tom had been fine with that. He didn't care a bit who preferred him and who didn't. That is still Sybil, on the verge of tears, begged him to try and get along with her parents.

"_Why won't you be polite around them?" _

"_What are you talkin' about? I'm being myself. I don't have to change myself for your people."_

"_Please Tom," she whispered as her bottom lip quivered, "Just try and be more civilized with mama and papa. They're wonderful and so are you, you'll be the perfect match. And for heaven sake stop calling them my people!"_

So he had started trying, for her. Matthew treated him as a best friend, and even in a brotherly way. Matthew was always a gentleman. Lord Grantham also tolerated him better, but Tom knew, Matthew was the favorite. He was not just Matthew he was, "Matthew my boy". Tom stood his ground for Sybil though and he still tried. He knew Sybil would want him to continue his efforts, he was Robert's only son in law now and seemed a great deal better in comparison to Mr. Gregson, Edith's beau.

"Hello Papa, Tom," said Mary Crawley as she entered the library with a book in hand.

"Plan to do some reading my dear?" asked Robert.

"Yes actually. I was unaware you two were here, I hope I won't be a bother.

"Nonsense, the both of us were just reading anyways!" replied Tom cheerfully. Mary smiled back at him fondly and settled into the open chair. Tom studied her, in her dark purple dress and flushed cheeks. He chuckled as he thought about his friendship with Mary. She was completely different in telling him he should not let her father and granny dictate what he said or did, and went as far as saying he didn't need to be so polite. The word she had used was "worldly" when she said what her family needed to be.

"Something amusing?" asked Mary with raised eyebrows. Tom smirked and shook his head. At least he was doing something right. He was on much better terms with Mary Crawley then he had ever been. He only wished Sybil could be there to see it.

"But you are, aren't you?" he whispered to the sky.

As they rose to change for dinner with Isobel and the Dowager, Mary pulled him aside.

"Are you quite well?" she asked.

"Of course, why would you think I'm not?"

"You seem different today and I cannot put my finger on it," said Mary decisively.

"Well I could say the same about you," he answered, grinning at her. She laughed softly, before turning serious and whispering,

"I do feel better. But I always do during the day, and at night in bed when I have to sleep alone, that is when it hurts. It makes me want to run away and not return home for some time."

"You don't mean that."

"No, I don't, but that is the type of feeling I get. Although I daresay I would not be able to stay away from you and your quirkiness." Tom raised his eyebrows at her and Mary added, "Oh dear now I sound rather fond of you don't I?"

And he could not help the warmth that filled his body.

**And that's a wrap for this week I think. By the way in the flashback, not trying to make Edith sound attracted to him, just showing how desperately sad she is and how desperate for someone on her side she is. I don't have much to say but that was totally different ahaha. Don't know what I'll write next (concerning view points) but yes.**

**The song was: Drink A Beer by Luke Bryan**


	5. The color black

** /Q9Fwl0W3Pm4 If you copy and paste the link above it should take you to a beautiful video (Downton love related) that I think you all would enjoy. If you watch it, be sure to TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK! I'm very happy to say this next week I'll have more time to update because: Spring break! I hope the pace of this story is moving along alright for you. I'm still shipping these two hard, even though for all of us now Downton Abbey season 4 is over. I will still be writing and seeing this story to the end. I'm so thankful for all the kind comments. I am so glad so many of you enjoy this story. Did you like the story from Tom's point of view? **

* * *

_I believe that the heart does go on, once more you open the door, and you're here in my heart, and my heart will go on and on_

* * *

Children were always supposed to be the answer to everything. The answer to happiness. Secretly, Mary was starting to believe that. It's not that she'd never enjoyed the presence of her son and god-daughter at Downton, but now she was understanding how wonderful it was to have kids in the atmosphere once more. She supposed to herself that she was softening. She took over several small tasks the nanny used to do and didn't mind Edith's snide remarks or her papa's worried glances.

"I'm quite happy, for the time being at least," she said to Anna one morning as she slipped into her black dress with thin straps and short black gloves and matching hat. She was going into Ripon for the day in the hopes of finding a nice dress for Sybbie. She knew Tom wouldn't be able to pick something like that and Mary was happy to surprise the child.

She descended down the stairs elegantly and headed for the front of the big house when someone called out, "Mary!" Of course she knew who it was, so she stopped and turned swiftly around with a bright smile on her face.

"Tom I had not seen you yet this morning. I assumed you were still in bed or out on a walk."

"I was out for a walk actually, but I've been back for a few minutes. Are you leaving?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm heading into Ripon but I should be back before dinner."

Tom's eyebrows furrowed as he asked, "Why are you going there, if you don't mind?"

"It's a surprise," said Mary as she adjusted her hat.

"It's rather hot out Mary, are you sure you would like to be dressed in that?" he asked, pointing to the black dress. A scowl covered Mary's face in a matter of seconds as she asked,

"What else would one wear?"

"I know you have summertime dresses. I don't want you to be uncomfortable, a lady shouldn't have to sacrifice herself for looks."

"How kind of you to say. I assure you the only thing that has made me uncomfortable is your assumption I'd be willing to wear bright dresses when I am in mourning. Good day, _Branson_," she said coldly. She knew what she was doing, addressing him the way she had for years, when they weren't on the best of terms. She watched the flash of hurt that covered his face, and the brief satisfaction she felt disappeared. He now had a hardened look in his eyes as he replied,

"Good day, _Lady _Mary." She watched as he walked away hurriedly, sure to be upset with her the rest of the day. She huffed and headed towards the doors Carson held open. As she sat in the car she replayed the morning in her mind.

"That was our first fight since being friends," she whispered to herself. She sighed and folded her hands in her lap, she was not the one who needed to apologize.

* * *

The ride back to Downton was as enjoyable as it was the way to Ripon. This time she had a white box with her that contained a pretty pink dress with a white sash. It was expensive to say the least. She blushed as she thought of what the store clerk had said to her.

"_Is this the one you would like Mam?" _

"_Yes, the pink colored one." The woman grabbed it and Mary headed with her to the front to pay. _

"_Is it for your daughter?" Mary raised her eyebrows at the woman's attempt to make light conversation. She was not one for small talk with locals. She mulled the thought over in her head. The answer, practically a daughter made no sense, not even to her. So she replied,_

"_No, the dress is for my niece." The woman nodded and smiled and soon Mary had paid and was out of the shop and back in the car. _

She now wondered what the woman would have done if she said yes. Not that the woman even knew who she was or she'd have been in much more a hurry, and not so much referring to her as "mam". The woman most likely would have asked more questions about her, ones that Mary could answer because she was around as much as any aristocratic mother would be, even more so. She knew though, not as much as Sybil. She knew Sybil had planned on raising her daughter with no nanny, no Downton, no semi-adoring aunts down the hall, but in Dublin, just the three of them. This thought willed Mary to promise she would visit twice as much because Sybil would be desperate for someone besides Tom to look in on their daughter. She would want the same. Mary owed it to Sybil to try and be as pleasant and loving to Sybbie as possible. For all the things Sybil had done for her, the least Mary could do was visit the nursery twice as much.

"I'll go as soon as I get back," she said. Then Tom entered her mind. There was a likely chance he would be up there with George and Sybbie and Mary was not willing to sacrifice her pride. She would go in, and if he should be there, ignore him. "He had no right," she reminded herself aloud. The thought of expressing she was over Matthew would not happen. First it would be a lie to everyone, including herself. One does not simply get over their dead love. She also knew soon enough afterwards her parents would throw men at her like after they'd learned Patrick had died. She knew she wasn't ready for that, and in truth would never be. After all how many times had she said she was never getting remarried?

As they pulled up Mary gazed up at the glorious house that would have been hers. Hers and Matthew's. She could picture the two of them standing proudly at the head as they announced them as Lord and Lady Grantham with their children, because Matthew had wanted several.

"Are you alright m'lady?" asked the chauffeur. Mary noticed the open door and smiled before stepping out. It didn't do well to dwell on dreams.

She walked the stairs to the nursery and was pleasantly surprised to see Cora.

"Mama!" she said.

"Hello darling. How was Ripon?"

"It was fine. I did manage to find a nice dress for Sybbie." Cora raised her eyebrows and sat George in his crib, as he'd previously been in her lap.

"How beautiful," Cora said as she studied the pretty material.

"Would you like a dress Sybbie dear?" asked Cora as she bent down to the little girl's height. They watched as Sybbie nodded. Laughing, Cora added," This is the perfect time because we're having company tomorrow afternoon. We can have a big luncheon and present my two darling grandchildren."

"I'll keep it in my room till then Mama because it's a surprise."

"You're a marvelous aunt, Mary," said Cora to her daughter.

By the next morning Mary had spoken two words to Tom. She'd said hello when her papa gave her a look for not acknowledging him the night before, and she said goodbye when she retired for the night. She _knew _looks had been thrown her way for her odd behavior. She had talked to Edith more than Tom last night, and that rarely, if ever, happened. Her granny had looked at her mysteriously before she left and Mary wondered how obvious she had been with her displeasure towards Tom.

"I have nothing to be ashamed of," she said as she twisted her braid. A little part of her wondered if she actually did.

It was luncheon outside and Mary stood out in her all black décor, minus the silver earrings. She was upstairs assisting the nanny in dressing Sybbie.

"I want her to look her best for everyone," explained Mary when she'd shown up and scared the woman half to death. Mary smiled as she took in Sybbie in the tiny, but fancy pink dress and white sash.

"You should be very proud m'lady. Should Master George stay in his pram?"

"Yes," said Mary as she smiled at her blond haired baby boy.

"Shall I keep Lady Sybbie up here till Mr. Branson comes?"

"No, she's coming with me. Lady Grantham has told her there's a surprise." Mary held out her gloved hand and smiled as the small her clutched it like a life line.

"Papa downstairs?" she asked.

"Yes and this dress is a surprise for him."

Mary smiled and entered with the children. Robert walked over and announced, "I would like you to meet my two grandchildren. Sybil Branson and George Crawley." Mary stood by the two as everyone gazed fondly at them. Then she saw him. She knew he did not precisely know all his daughter's dresses, but this one was too expensive to have been hers. His eyes were wide as he focused on his daughter who was all dolled up and looked like another aristocratic girl.

"Why she looks just like Lady Mary and Lady Sybil did when they were younger, I think that it's the hair," said one of her father's friends. Mary glanced around to see Edith's somewhat upset look. When she finally got a chance to sit down, he walked over to her. She sipped her water in silence till he said,

"Would you at least look at me?" She turned her head and glared at him. "How long will they be down here?"

"Just for a little bit, then nanny will get them. If that's all I will be going," she replied and stood up to head towards her mother. Tom jumped up and grabbed her wrist, pulling her down. Mary sucked in her breath and looked at him.

"Where did that dress come from?" She stared at him. "_Mary_."

"I bought it for her in Ripon, I thought she needed a new dress and so I bought one for her."

"You didn't have—"

"I know that Tom, but I wanted to."

"I'm sorry you got so offended by what I said. It wasn't meant to be rude. I just think you've worn black enough."

"I'm not over him. Therefor I cannot stop wearing mourning clothes."

"Just because you do not wear black, does not mean you are done grieving. I know that." Mary's lip quivered as she said,

"I just miss him and I don't want to be this available widow that every man suddenly wants and my parents encourage them. I want him back!" she said, angrily now.

"They know you're still mourning, but Matthew wouldn't want you succumbed to the same 5 dresses the rest of your life."

"I—I just don't want to seem like I have forgotten him."

"You won't."

"Oh Tom thank you," she whispered as she leaned into him and hugged him. They hugged for perhaps longer then they should have and when they let go, she saw a new look in his eye.

* * *

Mary stood across from him, her Matthew.

"I want you to know that because I have decided to stop wearing black every day and night that it does not mean I am over you. I love you Matthew, you are my world. I know you would not want me suffering, but believe me when I say I have not forgotten you because I wear blue instead of black. My darling no matter what I will always be yours and my heart goes on with yours." She pressed her hand to her lips then placed her hand on the stone.

**This was not the best but a lot is going to be happening now. I want to clarify that I have no intentions of making her forget Matthew, or Tom forget Sybil and they will be referenced a lot in this story till the end. Hope you guys thought it was somewhat okay. I think most of you will recognize this song if you listen to it.**

**The song: My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion**


	6. To London

**Hello again. I'm on Spring break so I will have more time to update. This story will be picking up pace this week and I'm excited for you guys to read it. I'm hoping the excitement of Downton hasn't left you just because season 4 is over. As a reminder, I own none of this because if I would die of happiness. I've got two more videos that I think you guys would LOVE and they're Downton related. You may be asking why you are asking us to watch the videos. Well I think it's important not to completely dismiss Mary and Tom's previous lives of being close to one another but in two vastly different worlds with different people. That is the foundation where you start when writing about them so I gladly ask you guys watch these, they're wonderfully made (not by me). Enjoy!**

** /znEaSPJs0Qc**

** /8yF2HVcONss**

* * *

_You see her when you close your eyes, maybe one day you'll understand why, everything you touch surely dies_

* * *

It's the first day Mary allows herself to wear her new sky blue dress. At the time she had not wanted it, when people were trying to buy her back her happiness. Anna helped her with the jewelry as they talked.

"I'm very happy to see you in that dress m'lady, you look very nice indeed."

"Thank you Anna. It's time though, at least to stop being so dreary according to some."

"I think everyone will be happy to see you wearing this m'lady."

"I should think. Do you know if everyone else is finished with breakfast as well?"

"I believe Lord Grantham and Mr. Branson are but Lady Edith is still dining."

"And mama?"

"She is still in bed m'lady."

"I suppose I will try and find papa or Tom then," Mary paused as Anna slid a pearl necklace around her neck. "Thank you Anna."

Mary headed down the stairs feeling different. She knew it was silly to think that a color could change her demeanor but that was what it felt like. She paused on the stairs when she heard voices. She looked out to the entry way and memories of him filled her mind.

"Mary my dear!" said Lord Grantham as he smiled up at her.

"Good morning papa," she replied. She walked towards him and smiled asking, "What are your plans for the day?"

"Tom and I are finishing some business then I set off for London for separate business."

"Nothing bad I hope," answered Mary.

"No, not at all. I'm just checking on things. Darling you look lovely in that dress, I don't believe I've seen you in it before."

"The time I was given it was not the most appropriate time to wear it," she said stiffly, and then added, "Thank you papa."

"Lord Grantham I've found the papers and—"Mary turned as Tom stood staring at her.

"Ah thank you dear chap, I'll bring them with me to London and see what they say. In case I don't see you again till tonight, goodbye my dear," Robert said as he leaned in and kissed his daughter's cheek.

"Is everything alright Tom?" asked Mary when Robert left.

"I just, I am surprised to see you in that dress is all."

"Is that a compliment?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes!" he said quickly. Then he added, "You look much happier that is."

"Why thank you Tom," she replied as she smiled up at him.

"It reminds me of a dress Sybil had." Mary's smile instantly dropped. "I'm sorry that wasn't needed. I hope it didn't ruin the dress for you."

"No," she said and paused, "I'm flattered we have some of the same style, it means I'm progressing with the time and not stuck in 1910. Believe me I have ruined enough moments with my comments towards people that nothing you say could be as bad or uncalled for."

"Is that a compliment from the great Lady Mary Crawley?" he asked with amusement.

"Consider yourself lucky," she replied with a laugh.

"What are your plans for the day?" he asked, changing the subject.

"I don't have any plans really."

"I have to meet your father up in London for luncheon, would you consider coming with me?"

"Of course! But why do you not leave with him right now?"

"I wanted to spend time with Sybbie and George first." Mary smiled at his persistence to spend a certain amount of time with his daughter and nephew each day.

"That's reasonable Tom. I'll accompany you to London then!" said Mary happily.

"London! Who is going to London?" asked Rose as she walked up towards them.

"We are but—"

"Please take me with you Cousin Mary!" begged Rose as she grabbed Mary's arm.

"Rose, every time you are there you cause nothing but trouble! You have tricked Mama, Aunt Rosamund, Edith, Mama and I all several times. We're not going to put our faith in you consistently when the men in this family keep _retrieving_ you," said Mary.

"But you're being unfair. Please hear my side, be reasonable. I'll be so happy if you allow me to go. Also for the record Tom has fetched me once and Matthew once." Mary frowned as Rose mentioned Matthew. "Please be reasonable Mary, Tom and Matthew both were!" Mary wrenched her arm free as she thought about what the girl said. She knew Tom would feel uncomfortable with the situation and would bargain with her. Matthew, he was always good with words and solutions so he would do that also. He would never try to take away a person's happiness.

"You can come along Rose, but I will decide on the way if Tom should accompany you wherever you so desperately need to go."

"Oh thank you Cousin Mary!" she said and hugged her.

"Why did you do that? You know she'll end up doing something she shouldn't."

With a sigh she answered, "I know. But that's what Matthew would have done."

Tom had gone downstairs and she sat George in his crib and smiled down at him. She paused in the doorway of the nursery as she thought of Matthew.

"_Do you ever wonder how happy you've made me?" he asked her with a grin, eyes full of passion. _

"Oh my darling, did I?" Mary whispered to the sky. She left the room and headed to the front doors where Rose was waiting eagerly.

"Tom says he's almost ready," said the girl when Mary approached. At that moment he appeared with his coat and hat. Carson opened the door and the three descended down the stairs towards the car.

"I'm so thankful for you taking me," said Rose once they were all settled. Mary grimaced and replied,

"You won't sway me. I'll decide when we get there and when you decide to give me more details as to who this friend is."

* * *

Tom looked on with amusement at the interaction between the two women. He recalled Mary saying she'd been blessed to not have a wild younger sister like Rose. He would have liked to see the conversations between the three sisters as they grew up, all he ever heard were stories from Mr. Carson who'd known all three since their births. He watched Mary bite her lip in frustration as Rose started humming jazz tones.

"Is that the new thing that everyone's talking 'bout? Jazz?" he asked, trying to make light conversation.

"Yes it will be the music that takes over the world. It will surely be the most popular music a century from now," said Rose, beaming with excitement.

"Surely it can't replace classics in popularity," said Mary.

"Everything has to die down at some point, does it not?" asked Rose, before turning to look out the car window again.

They were on the train when Mary stated her rules to Rose. "You are not to leave without telling us, and not the minute we are off the train either. You can spare a few minutes to say hello to papa and the gentleman and ladies at this luncheon."

"I thought it was just business men," said Rose.

"No I recall papa saying this was social as well. After lunch you can inform me of your plans and maybe you can go. It _is _daylight so nightclubs are not an option thankfully," said Mary.

"You mean there are higher-ups there?" asked Tom. "Am I not dressed appropriately?"

"I assure you Tom, as long as the food is good attire will be the least of their concerns." He grinned at her.

"You two could be more fun with the help of me."

"Are we not now?" asked Mary.

"Sometimes, but you're both acting very parent like and I don't need it," said Rose defiantly.

"Perhaps you do depending on what you're doing," said Tom before Mary could get in a rude remark.

"Let's be done talking about this till we get to London, alright?" asked Mary. Tom nodded and settled in the train, closing his eyes.

**There, done! If you are wondering where Rose was previously she was at Downton just never interacting enough with Mary and Tom to be important. I hope you guys liked it. That was a real quote Matthew says in the show. Hope you watch the videos. Till Wednesday!**

**The song was: Let Her Go by Passengers**


	7. A Very Great Deal

**Hi everyone! As promised, I'm updating today because I have a lot of time this week. I hope all of you enjoyed last chapter from Monday and are ready this soon to move on. I really hope all of you are watching the video links, and if you are, than enjoying them. I think they're awesome and help us remember Mary and Tom's past as I'm writing their future from my point. I hope you like this chapter and don't forget to review because they inspire me!**

** /hgm_fYlLzRk**

** /1-DN1UngaZE**

* * *

_You're the one that I love, and I'm saying goodbye_

* * *

Tom sat across from Mary and Rose as they were on their way to the luncheon.

"So I just have to say hello to Cousin Robert and I can meet my friend?" asked Rose.

"I want to know who this friend is so I know if you'll be causing trouble," Mary replied.

"Her name is Lydia and I promised I'd meet with her to go shopping."

"Lydia who?"

"Lydia DeWitt, but you wouldn't know her," said Rose firmly.

"I don't recall the DeWitts having a granddaughter."

"Well they do!" Rose hastily replied before adding, "She's related to them one way or another."

"I'll consider it but you're coming with us to the luncheon first." Rose's eyes went wide and she turned her focus to Tom and pleaded,

"Tell her it's not fair Tom!" Mary turned towards him with a raised eyebrow. He gulped and shifted slightly. Not much scared him, but two demanding aristocratic women did.

"I—I think you should listen to Mary," he said to Rose. The younger girl let out a groan and slumped against the car.

As they finally arrived at the luncheon Mary turned and whispered, "Thank you for supporting me back there."

"I don't know if that's what I would call it. Honestly back there I felt like _we _were her parents!" He soon wondered if he said the wrong thing as she stopped walking. "I was just uh—"

"Let us be assured Sybbie won't act in that manner, or she would be more than we could handle!" said Mary with a laugh. Tom smiled at her and they continued walking. It was a few seconds after that he realized she also said we.

"Oh Tom I didn't realize Mary would be accompanying you," said Lord Grantham as he approached.

"Hello papa," said Mary.

"Rose is also here," said Tom. Rose moved forward and politely acknowledged Robert. As soon as he walked away she said,

"Now that I've said hello can I leave?"

"No you can stay awhile," Mary replied.

* * *

It was an hour later and he was making polite talk with people who had titles. Half of them thought he was related to some Bransons who had been very rich in Ireland long ago but had dwindled slightly to the majority being girls, then some thought he was some rich man and didn't care to hear his life's history. Mary was busy talking to people about strictly business and refused to make small talk. She saw tom sitting across from Lady Elizabeth, a dowager countess. She walked towards them and smiled at the woman.

"Hello Lady Mary," said the woman smiling up at her, "I was so saddened to hear the news of your husband's passing. I wish I would have had a chance to speak to him more." Mary's face lost all the charm it held seconds ago and she politely thanked the woman for her kindness.

"I'll be taking the same train back with you," said Lord Grantham towards the end of the luncheon.

"Very good," replied Tom, smiling at his father-in-law. He headed towards the car and found Mary waiting inside.

"Happy to be going home?" she asked with a laugh. He laughed and then stopped. She said home. Was Downton Abbey home now?

"I'll admit that it's rather odd sitting at tables with these people who think I as rich as them and have connections in some places I've only dreamed of."

"Well they all think highly of you according to the people I've spoken to. Anyways, I'm happy to be leaving if that counts for something. I'm not sure how papa felt about my presence here today."

"He'll have to accept you are becoming a bigger part of Downton's business and future. He will, Mary."

"I just feel like I mean nothing in all this," she said in a rush. Then she let a small gasp at what she said. Tom paid no notice and answered,

"On the contrary you know you mean a great deal. A great deal to your family, to me, to Downton's success that— what's the matter?" he asked with worry.

"Nothing."

"_And I mean nothing in all this?" she asked with despair and anger._

"_You mean a great deal, a very great deal," he replied, his eyes pleading with her to trust him._

She clutched her dress in her hands as she tried to forget it, words didn't get to people like this.

"It doesn't seem like nothing," he said to her with concern still evident.

"It is. Tom just forget it," she said. Still he pressed on.

"I didn't mean to offend you if I did. You know I support you no matter what and even though it's hard to tell your entire family does as well."

"Don't you ever wish it could just go back exactly the way it was?" she asked with exhaustion. A pained expression filled his face.

"Of course I wish Sybil was here but the way things are moving now is good, it's for the better. We are improving our lives Mary."

"No that's not what I meant. Do you ever wish you had never come here, to Downton?" she asked.

"Of course not. If I had never found a job at Downton I never would have met Sybil—"

"Isn't that the point though? We would not have had our hearts smashed into the ground like they were?"

"It wasn't on purpose, Mary. It doesn't solve the world's problems by avoiding love completely. If I had never come to Downton I never would have met Sybil, I wouldn't have Sybbie. I never would have met Matthew who was more of a brother then friend to me than anyone has been in my life. And I never would have met you, and we're friends you and I. These days I don't know what I would do without you Lady Mary Crawley because—"

She leaned across the car in a second and pressed her lips firmly to his. She kissed him with all she had, not out of love, not even because of friendship, but out of despair and longing for someone to understand her. The minute his lips starting moving against hers, she put her hands on his chest and pushed, propelling her backwards into the seat she'd been in. Her eyes were wide with horror as she tasted the saltiness of her tears. She'd kissed him. She kissed Tom Branson.

Mary had never hated herself more than she did in that moment.

She was still in shock and about to get out of the car when her father climbed in.

"Just another moment, Rose can't find her hat."

"Why on Earth did she take it off?" Mary snapped.

"My dear are you alright?" asked her father frowning at her. Mary nodded in reply. Soon Rose was in the car and they headed towards the train station. She listened to Rose chat about how it wasn't that bad because young men were there, and made sure to make no eye contact with Tom.

As they boarded the train Mary pressed herself as far against the wall of the train as she could, away from everyone else. Rose sat next to her and asked,

"Are you feeling well Cousin Mary?"

"I'm feeling a little under the weather. When we arrive tell the others I'm sorry but I think I'll eat in my bedroom."

"You must not be feeling well at all. Should I ring for Clarkson when we arrive?" asked Robert. Mary sighed and looked at her father, feeling Tom's eyes on her.

"No that's not necessary, I'm sure I'll be better by tomorrow morning. Rest is all I need."

The moment the four stepped through the doors and into Downton, Mary rushed up the stairs. She faintly heard her mother calling her but shut her bedroom door and rang for Anna. Mary sat on the bed and looked up as Anna entered.

"You're feeling under the weather m'lady?" asked Anna.

"No, well, I know I'm not physically unwell," Mary replied. Anna gave a grimace and came closer and asked,

"M'lady is it about Mr. Crawley?" Mary let out a sob as she thought of Matthew. She blinked through her tears and said to Anna,

"If I tell you, you must swear to secrecy. Though I'm afraid you will look down on me."

"I could never m'ady. Besides we have been through the very worst together." Mary looked at Anna's reassuring smile and said,

"It sounds simple but it's not. Today when we were preparing to leave London, I—I kissed _Tom Branson_."

"You?"

"Yes I kissed him, it wasn't long and I didn't do it because I'm attracted to him, at least I don't think so. I was just so sad and he said something to me that was familiar and I lost it."

"M'lady it will be alright."

"Things can never be the same between us now that we've kissed. I'm sure the only things going through our minds were Matthew and Sybil. I feel so guilty Anna."

"You can still be friends. You need each other as friends. If you sleep on it m'lady you will feel better tomorrow morning."

"Yes, when I have to face him," she said sarcastically, "The man I betrayed Matthew with."

"You and I both know Mr. Crawley was not the type to hold unfair grudges."

"_I have not forgiven you."_

"_I see…"_

"_I have not forgiven you because, I do not believe that you need my forgiveness."_

"This is different though, betraying his memory. It was all my fault Anna, I was the one to make the rash move."

"Mr. Crawley is up there in Heaven m'lady and he loves you just as much as ever. He does not hate you, especially for something like this."

"_You were wrong about one thing. I never would, I never could despise you."_

"You're right Anna, but all the same I can despise myself."

**And that's it! I am so proud of this chapter! I threw you guys for a curveball and you'll have to see how things pan out next chapter. I'm not sure if I'll update Friday. I should have time to if nothing comes up, but no promises. I hope you all enjoy! And WATCH THE VIDEOS because they go along with their feelings (sort of but they're so good who cares). I hope you all liked.**

**The song was: Say Something by A Great Big World ft. Christina Aguilara **


	8. The Dinner

**This is chapter 8. I appreciate the kind reviews, please keep them coming! So last chapter ended and things are going to dramatically change from now on. I've got some great songs planned and I hope you all are eagerly waiting these updates. Next week it's going to be hard again since my spring break will be over and they'll be prepping us for finales. I will not abandon this story. I hope everyone thinks the pace is alright, but you don't fall in love in a matter of one chapter. Enjoy!**

* * *

_Come back and tell me why, I'm feeling like I've missed you all this time, and meet me there tonight, and let me know that it's not all in my mind_

* * *

He hadn't slept well that night. He awoke in the morning already feeling drowsy and ready for the day to be over. He couldn't stop thinking about what happened yesterday. She had kissed him. From the moment he first met her all those years ago he thought she had that aristocratic beauty, but his eyes had always been for Sybil. Still he noticed enough about Mary Crawley to know she didn't make rash decisions, at least not to his knowledge. It had been her though that leant forward in that car and brushed her lips against his.

He wasn't angry at her. Or maybe he was. He shook his head, he knew he wasn't. This effect was from shock. He didn't know if he should feel upset that he betrayed Sybil.

"_Believe it or not, I will stay true to you."_

Tom wasn't upset with himself though and he knew Sybil wouldn't want him to be. She was not that type of person.

He slowly rose for the day, unsure of what was going to happen. "She won't want to talk about it," he said to himself. Some relief filled him as he sat at breakfast with only Rose and Edith. Although she never came down for breakfast anyways, the last time she had it was the day of her wedding.

"Do you think Cousin Mary is feeling well?" asked Rose. Edith raised her head from her letter and asked,

"What are you talking about?"

"You know, Mary wasn't at dinner because she was feeling quite sick," said Rose.

"I'm sure she just wanted to avoid our dull company," answered Edith.

"Is your beau coming tonight? That is what Cousin Cora said!" said Rose with eagerness.

"Yes he is… but most of the family does not appreciate his visits, except Cousin Isobel."

"I'll be sure and talk to him if it means so much to you," said Tom to Edith. Her face brightened and she replied,

"Thank you Tom that would be great. He senses papa, mama, and Mary's discomfort and I'm sure he's hurt by it. You'll be doing a great favor, though I am sure you'll like him."

"Well, I know how it is to be shunned by your family," said Tom with a laugh. Edith gave him a sympathetic smile.

"But you aren't now! You and Cousin Mary are the best of friends," said Rose.

"That is true, we all get along just fine now."

He was sitting in the library with Isis at his feet and Cora at a desk writing a letter to her brother. Then she came in. She was wearing that purple dress and she looked exhausted when she walked through the door. She froze as soon as she saw him and put an indifferent look on her face.

"Mary dear are you feeling better," asked Lady Grantham.

"Yes mama, thank you."

"Well I've got to get this letter mailed to Harold and find your sister. I'm glad you're better my darling," said Cora as she walked by and kissed Mary's forehead.

"We need to talk," he said, the moment Cora was out of the room.

"I don't think—"

"I know how you are Mary, but this is important. I'm not mad at you." Her eyebrows shot up, but she answered coldly,

"I could care less what you think about me, Tom."

"You don't mean that," he said. She looked at him defiantly, daring him to contradict her. "I know you care. We're friends, we understand each other. Yesterday when you kissed—"

"Stop. I told you I don't want to discuss it. There's no need because nothing happened. Look maybe it's best that we, we don't be friends anymore."

"What are you saying? Stop making a crazy decision and act like an adult!" he said, raising his voice.

"How dare you! You know I thought becoming your friend was one of the best choices I have ever made, but I was wrong!" she said angrily before walking out of the room.

"Mary, wait!" he shouted after her, but no one responded. "Dammit," he whispered angrily.

* * *

He was dressed in tails because according to the family it was a big night. Isobel and Violet were coming over as well as Mr. Gregson from London. He was sitting with Violet, Isobel, and Lord Grantham when the ladies descended down the stairs. She was right behind her mother, wearing a dark emerald colored dress with black gloves. She paid him no glance and settled in between Isobel and Cora. Edith stood close to the front doors, wanting herself to be the only one to greet Gregson. He tried to participate in Violet and Rose's discussion but he couldn't.

"Tony what a surprise!" he heard Edith say. Most of the Crawley's were up by now and walking towards the front door.

"Who is that?" he asked to Violet who stood next to him.

"That is Tony Gillingham. One of Mary's rejected beaus before Matthew and Edith used to be quite fond of him. He's a childhood friend of theirs and your wife."

"Is he married?" asked Rose.

"I believe I heard he's going to be engaged," answered Violet. They both watched as Rose pouted.

"I hope you don't mind my tagging along. We ran into each other on the train and he mentioned where he was headed," said the man with a smile.

They moved into the dining room and Tom was sat in between Isobel and Rose.

"Have you met Gillingham before?" asked Tom to Isobel.

"No. I recall hearing he was unable to attend the wedding. Had Sybil ever mentioned him?"

"I don't think so. She didn't really mention old childhood friends that often." Tom watched Tony lean closer to talk to her. "Do you think he still has feeling for her?"

"Possibly. In these gentleman's eyes she is eligible again," said Isobel sadly.

"She's not over him," said Tom reassuringly.

"And she won't ever be. There will be a time though when she will feel more comfortable with possibly getting married again. And—it's unfair for me to wish her loneliness and solitude for the rest of her life."

"You still have something to stay for. George needs you as a grandmother."

"As sad as I am, Downton would have been his home, it was his home and I embrace it now whole heartedly. I can't imagine leaving it now that I know how truly wonderful it can be.'

"_My answer is...that I'm ready to travel and you are my ticket to get away from this house, away from this life."_

"Don't you think, sometimes they feel trapped?" he asked.

"Are you referring to Mary, Edith, and Sybil?" she asked.

"Yes. Do you think the three of them felt… feel trapped?"

"Yes of course." Tom frowned and looked towards Mary who was politely trying to ignore Tony Gillingham.

"Shall we proceed back to the parlor?" asked Cora standing up. Tom rushed to his feet and met Mary's cold glance.

"Yes, we'll join you in a bit," answered Robert. Tom watched all of the ladies walk out.

"Do you know Lady Edith well?" asked Mr. Gregson before sipping his brandy.

"Not as well as I should, other than she's the middle sister and writes incredibly well. She's a good person, an important person in this family," said Tom.

"I feel as though I'm being ambushed by them. I don't think I have seen Lady Mary smile while I've been in her company and I've only made small talk with Lord and Lady Grantham. You were married to Lady Edith's late younger sister correct? Is this how you felt?" he asked with worry.

"Well at the time I wasn't the favorite no matter what. The heir, Matthew Crawley, who was a gentleman—"

"Yes I talked to him a bit at Doneagle."

"Yes Matthew, the heir, was engaged to Lady Mary. He was Lord Grantham's son practically and will always be Lord Grantham's favorite son-in-law. Matthew was a good person though, he deserved it. I married Sybil and we lived in Ireland, away from this. He didn't like that too much. I suppose he is just looking out for Edith."

"You must be on good terms now though since you're his only son-in-law."

"I suppose. Now that I am estate manager, we have a different type of quarrel." Tom paused and added, "Don't worry about Mary. She's still mourning and she hardly smiles anymore."

As they joined the ladies, Tom noticed Mary was missing.

"Where is Mary?" asked Tom as he sat next to Isobel.

Isobel grimaced and replied, "She went off with Lord Gillingham." Tom jumped up and went searching for her. He was about to give up when he heard voices from outside. One of the windows was opened and he could hear their conversation.

"Tony that's very kind of you but as I said, I'm still mourning. For me, Matthew is all that I think about."

"I don't believe that. It's been almost a year." He heard crunching and Mary's voice again,

"I'm sorry Tony but I don't feel the same."

"Don't lie to me Mary."

"Let go, you're hurting me!" she cried. Tom pushed the doors opened and in the garden stood a shocked Mary Crawley and Tony Gillingham.

"She said to let go of her," said Tom.

"I don't even know who you are! I've spoken two words to you, I don't have to listen to you." Still, Tony held a tight grip on Mary's arm.

"I'm giving you one more chance," said Tom frowning.

"Look this is between myself and dear Mary." Tom frowned and punched his face, a crack echoing into the night. Tony stumbled but got one shot in on Tom, before falling backwards completely. Tom groaned and held his cheek as Mary rushed over.

"Are you alright?" Tom could feel his cheek throbbing and the corner of his eye too but he answered,

"It's fine."

"You _idiot_!" screamed Mary, "Why would you do that?"

"He was hurting you, I wasn't goin' to let that continue."

"After all those things I said to you…" said Mary. Tom grimaced and stumbled slightly when Mary hugged him. "Thank you."

"What happened? Oh my!" gasped Cora.

"Tony told me he wanted to marry me. I told him I couldn't and he grabbed me. Tom intervened and well they hit each other."

"Are you alright?" asked her father. Mary simply nodded. "I want you to leave at once. Fetch Dr. Clarkson."

"There's no need. My cheek is just swollen, I'll have a bruise but I'm fine honestly."

"Let me look at it just in case," said Isobel.

"My boy thank you!" said Robert patting Tom's shoulders.

"You seem to be quite the hero," said Mr. Gregson.

Everyone headed to bed after the excitement but Mary pulled him aside.

"You shouldn't have done what you did, not for me at least. But thank you because—"she stopped and took a strangled breath before saying, "You are the best friend I have ever had. I do need you in my life."

Tom felt flutters in his stomach as she hugged him and thanked him.

"I'm not angry at you. And you shouldn't feel like you've betrayed them because, they aren't those type of people. No could despise you Mary Crawley, especially not Matthew and especially not me. He cared for us both and she cared for us both."

"_We must stick together if we're brave enough to take on the Crawley sisters."_

He watched her head towards her bedroom and a new feeling entered his mind as he thought of her.

**So there it is. Won't be able to update till Monday or Tuesday. I hope you liked it in Tom's view point. I love the reviews so keep them coming. Thanks again for reading. Remember I own none of this.**

**The song was: Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran**


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